Pacifiers: There's Only One Kind, Right?

For those of you who know me, in real life, via Twitter, or just by this Blog, I'd like to think that you already know that I'm opinionated, a psycho researching about everything Baby, and a little obsessive... about well, everything.

I have to tell you that I have been no different when it comes to PACIFIERS.

What's cuter than a little baby going to town on a pacifier?  I always thinking about Maggie Simpson and EK is quite the little Maggie when she's sleepy.

DH and I were split on the paci decision.  He wanted to avoid pacis altogether.  I think they're good in moderation and for a limited time.  His niece kept a pacifier until she started first grade.  I think that has scarred DH for life.  That will NOT happen in my house - just throwing that out there.

PROS of using a pacifier (according to the Mayo Clinic):
* May soothe a fussy baby. I absolutely agree.  It's a cry-stopper.
* Offers temporary distraction. As in, when your baby is hungry, the paci works long enough to get to a comfortable position to nurse or to get a bottle prepared.
* May help your baby fall asleep.  EK falls asleep with her paci 99% of the time.  She loves her paci but she LOVES her paci when she's sleepy.  She even has sound effects (She hums.) when she's sucking on her paci and sleepy.
* May help reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  I could stop right here because is there any better reason.  "May" is enough for me.  I'll do anything that reduces that risk.
* They're disposable.  At first, when EK wouldn't use a pacifier, I told the pediatrician that who said "Well then she'll probably be a thumb sucker."  We started working on loving a pacifier THAT DAY.  I did not want her to be a thumb sucker.  I can ultimately toss the paci.  I can't toss her thumb.

CONS (Also from the Mayo Clinic):
* May interfere with breastfeeding.  I suppose they may, but that was not my experience. EK has had no problem with pacis, bottles or breastfeeding. She likes it all.
* May become dependent on the pacifier.  I was worried about this, but she doesn't always fall asleep with a pacifier.  She sometimes goes to sleep without it.  However, I will say that when she's tired and has her pacifier, all hell will break loose if it falls out.  That doesn't bother me enough for it to be a con though.
* May increase the risk of inner ear infections.  I will admit that this concerns me.  EK has ony had one ear infection so far (thank God!) and that was when she had RSV.  I try not to let her have it all day long though - only when she's sleepy.  Okay.  Who am I kidding?  She gets it whenever she wants it, but so far, so good.
* Prolonged use may cause dental problems.  Okay, parents.  This is when you just have to be strong and committed to a throw away date.  I'm hoping for a year, but adament about 2 years.  We'll see who wins.

Okay.  So you already know what made our decision.  Aside from the cry-stopper, I am a fan of a reduced risk of SIDS and I am NOT a fan of thumb sucking, so the pacifier wins! (I have to say here that from an orthodontic perspective a pacifier is better/healthier than a thumb.)

I will tell you that initially I was won over by the pink and purple Soothies (the hospital pacifiers).  That's what I registered for, but EK wasn't a big fan at first.  Then, the more I thought about it, I couldn't help but think that over time... that harder round shape in her mouth would have to make it sore.  I wanted something that had more of a mouth shape.  Time for more research.

First things first... (and NO ONE told me this)....
LATEX VS. SILICONE
Some babies are allergic to latex, so it's best to start out with silicon.  EK is not so that wasn't an issue.  BUT... here's the deal...  Although silicone-nipple pacifiers are dishwasher-safe (top rack only), latex pacifiers are not and deteriorate faster when heated.  For a psychotic washer/boiler Mommy like me, latex won't work.  I didn't know that heat deteriorates latex until after I had already tossed all of EK's latex pacis.  I was washing and boiling like normal, which was beginning to make the latex GROSS.  One day, after washing in the dishwasher (top rack) and boiling, I noticed a hair on the pacifier.  It was tucked down in the groove between the plastic and the latex.  Also in there, other grossness and that was AFTER all my psycho-cleaning.  I looked at the others... more grossness on all the latex pacifiers.  Guess what went straight into the garbage?  Half of EK's pacifiers.  I now ONLY have clear, silicone pacifiers and suggest the same for everyone.  (I should say that latex is softer and retains smells.  Some babies like that it retains smells. That's kind of gross to me.  The softer is a plus but the nastiness required tossing).

ORTHODONTIC?  Yes, please.
An orthodontic pacifier keeps your baby's jaws (top & bottom) in the correct position and thus doesn't interfere with proper development and growth.  The Soothie is NOT orthodontic.  This matters to me, but may not matter to you.  (Dare I say that it should matter).

There are lots of pacifiers out there, but there is ONLY ONE for me.  Dare I say I will not use anything other than the Nuk.  It was created/founded by two dentists.  Top that for your baby.  I will admit that MAM seems to have the most designs, and I am slightly fascinated that Dr. Brown's has a pacifier.  Since that is the only bottle I will ever use, I'm a little surprised that I didn't go that route with their pacifier, but Nuk it is.  It's the only one, in my litte world.

I have it on good authority that the Easter Bunny is bringing EK the Nuk Genius.  I can't wait to try it out.

There are a few other comments I have to make, while I'm on the pacifier discussion.  The Soothie has a stuffed frog (and other animals) that is sewn to a Soothie.  How do you clean it?  In the washing machine.  I have so many issues with washing my baby's pacifier with clothes.  I'm not recommending that.  There are other animals that you can attach to a pacifier and they are removable.  You can wash the animal in the washing machine and the pacifier like it should be washed.  I'm not knocking those.  In fact, EK may ultimately have one of those. 

Lastly, THE FIVE SECOND RULE DOES NOT EXIST... ESPECIALLY FOR PACIFIERS... ESPECIALLY FOR YOUR BABY.

That is all. ;)

More Than a Month Later...

It's been over a month since I've posted, and I wish there was something profound that I could say about parenthood, but mostly... it's just this.  Being a mother is the most amazing and fulfilling and wonderful thing I have ever known.  Every day, I am amazed that I was chosen to be EK's mom.  She's just the most perfect bundle of perfection, and my heart catching in my throat when I look at her.  When I tell you perfection... it's no exaggeration. 

She grows and changes daily, and I just want to drink it all in, soak it up like a sponge.  I never want to forget to appreciate my time with her.

For those of you not on Twitter, we've already had our first hospital stay - four nights in the hospital with RSV.  But we're home and doing wonderfully.  EK weighed 12 lbs 12 oz at her two month "well baby" visit yesterday.  Yes, my baby is 2 months old.  Where does the time go?  Only 3 weeks of maternity leave left.  How will I ever leave her?

I want to share this with you... I downloaded this song last night, and it's a beautiful song but the lyrics are even more beautiful.

ANGEL'S LULLABY

I was never alive
'Til the day I was blessed with you.
When I hold you late at night,
I know what I was put here to do.
I turn off the world and listen to you sigh,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

Know I'm forever near,
The one you can always call.
Right now all you know to fear
Are the shadows on your wall.
I'm here close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

So tell me how to stop the years from racing.
Is there a secret someone knows?
I'll never catch all the memories I'm chasing.
I'll never be ready to let go.

And when the world seems cold,
And you feel that all of your strength is gone,
There may be one tiny voice,
Your reason to carry on,
And when I'm not close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
You will sing your Angel's Lullaby.
Let this be our Angel's Lullaby.

Almost a Month into Mommyhood

In less than a week, EK will be one month old.  How did that happen?  Can I started rewinding the clock already.  She's getting so big, so long, and my maternity leave is ticking away.

Let me tell you my experience thus far... and then you can feel more than free to give me advice, offer encouragement, etc.

EK was born on January 11.  A lot of the hospital stay is a blur because I was so sleep deprived.  (My eagerness to have her here kept me from sleeping in the days leading up from her birth).  Then, because she was losing weight in the hospital, there were a lot of tears so again... the hospital was a blur.  DH changed essentially every diaper in the hospital and I nursed (although it wasn't doing much good at that point).  I didn't let many people hold her in the hospital, but only because I was holding her... not because I had issues... or at least I don't think I did.  (Again, that blur...)

But then we got home...

At first, I felt like it was my job - that DH didn't need to worry himself with the ins and outs of a new baby.  He had to get up and go to work so I felt guilty if we woke him up at night.

But that didn't last long.

Then, I turned into a whole new monster.

Now, 27 days into EK's life... I'm a mess.  I'm happiest when it's just me and her.  I am complete when she's in my arms.  If I have to put her down, it's okay... as long as she is within arm's reach and there's no risk of anyone else getting her.  I don't let anyone feed her.  I don't let anyone change her diaper.  I get angry if DH offers to do something - hold her for a while, change her, bathe her, get up at night.  I feel like if anyone else has her, then I'm not taking care of her.  It's a little bit of guilt, but mostly... just total panic.

When friends/family are over and they're holding her, I can't watch.  I have to wash clothes or dishes or play with my phone or computer, because it makes me feel hysterical.  I feel like I can't breathe, which turns to panic and then I want to cry.  I just want my baby back.  (Yes, I even feel this way with my husband.)

I want to backhand people who try to help (yes, anyone). 

DH called me stingy.  He said that she's going to be four and isn't going to know who her Daddy is, because he only gets to hold her 15 minutes a day.

I try to act like I'm just being a stingy B, but honestly... it's out of control.  It's so much more than me being stingy.  I can't handle other people having her. 

Is this normal?

This is not the post partum that I've read about.  It's not me feeling any kind of disconnect.  It's the exact opposite.  I feel complete with EK.  All I want to do is hold her or sit and watch her sleep.  My life is perfect.  I don't feel overwhelmed by her.  (I feel overwhelmed by everyone else).  I'm not going stir crazy.  I haven't minded staying home with her.  (In fact, it's been wonderful because when I stay home with her, it's just us and I don't have to share her.)

Maybe you're getting it... a little.  Did you feel this one?  Is this a normal new mom thing?  First time mom thing?  Mom after infertility thing?  Or am I going off the deep end?  And how on earth will I go back to work and leave her with a sitter? 

This is not good.

EK's Birth Story

Along the way, there were times when I would panic and some of you would suggest going to Labor & Delivery but I never could make myself do it.  I would wait until during the work day when I could go to the dr's office instead.  Well, all that changed the night before EK arrived.  I was busy all day - went and had blood work at the hospital, finished registering, and even went and had a pedi.  But I mentioned to DH that EK wasn't moving as much as normal.  That night, we went and go something to eat and by then, I had decided that I had to know what was going on.  I didn't want to be the Mom who thought something was wrong but didn't check it out... and then it be too late....

So, at 10 p.m., eight hours before I was supposed to be checking in anyway, I went to Labor & Delivery.  I was in tears.  They put me on the monitors and EK sounded great.  She was moving some, but mostly, I was having such big contractions that they were kind of keeping her still.  My contractions were 2-4 minutes apart and strong, but I wasn't even one centimeter dilated.  They let me go home, since I was feeling reassured.  They offered to let me stay, but I still had packing to do... and "surgery prep" (if you follow).

I got home, ate, took a long bath, finished packing and set my alarm for 4 a.m. so I would have time to take a shower and "get cute" before going to the hospital.  Then I crawled into bed and just laid there.  (I have to say that I drank water - like I would never have more - right up until midnight. Haha.)  Sometime during the night, I took about a 30 minute nap, but that was all the sleep I was able to get.  Then the alarm went off, and I was flooded with so many emotions...  fear, anxiety, excitement... seriously, you name it... it was there.

We got to the hospital at 6:00 a.m. and the fear was overwhelming.  (Just a week before, my best friend from high school had a c-section at the same hospital and threw up on the operating table.  I was terrified that would happen to me.)  In fact, I was also terrified of the spinal.  What if I ended up paralyzed?  Yes, I'm a lawyer, and yes, I already know this answer, but the day before... I still found myself texting my boss to ask... "If I end up paralyzed, can I sue?  Even if I signed a consent form saying that I understood the risks?"  Haha.

(I won't keep you in suspense.  I am not paralyzed.)

Friends and family started arriving at the hospital and would come back to pre-op a few at a time.  I was so scared, and I kept asking DH if he was scared.  Of course not. ;)  They put my IV in, and in no time I REALLY had to pee.  They let me go to the bathroom.  Thank God.  My friend (who had the baby the week before was there... her baby was still in NICU) helped me carry my IV bag to the bathroom.  She held my gown closed too.  And even laughed and helped me not think about the little bit of blood that was showing in my IV. Ugh. I don't like blood.

My favorite nurse showed up.  It was her birthday. ;)  So I greeted her at the door with "Happy Birthday, Renee'!"  She hugged me and tried to calm my growing nerves.  Then my doctor poked her head in and she was a ray of sunshine.  Love her!  Everybody was excited!  And then it was show time.  The spinal guy came in and talked to me about risks, explained everything he was going to do, etc.  They handed DH some scrubs so he could get ready and my friend took pictures. 

Then I was in the operating room and ready to back out.  Seriously.  I suddenly was completely okay with leaving EK in my belly forever.  I was terrified.  One spinal guy was there and they were waiting for another.  I'm not sure if two is standard or if they had two because I'm a lawyer.  Haha.  Everyone seemed to know I was a lawyer.  Weird, right?  One of the anesthesists even said, "I mean, you know how those lawyers are."  He was joking, but it made me wonder. ;)  Sweet Renee' got in front of me and hugged me, helped me hunch over and then... in no time the spinal was done.  I can't for the life of me remember it hurting.  And that's when I began to calm down.  They commented that may have been the easiest spinal they'd seen in a while.  I laid down and they let DH come in.  The room was spinning a little, and I was so ready to hear my angel cry.  I was terrified that she wouldn't.

DH sat by my head.  He had the camera... ready for "go time."  My doctor said, "Okay. I'm going to make a regular cut, and we'll see how big this little girl is.  I may have to go back and cut some more."  And then I heard the suction.  My water.  They were sucking up all that amniotic fluid.  Wow.  They already cut me.  Didn't feel a thing.  My doctor said, "My goodness at the fluid.  Girl, you were full."  And then... "Okay. You're going to feel some tugging."  This is when I was still waiting to smell the burning smell people talk about.  Nothing. 

My doctor said, "Oh my goodness. My goggles are fogging up.  I'm breaking a sweat.  Her ear is hung.  We have to get these shoulders out...."

All this one-sided dialogue.  Then the nurse adds that she's going to have to take a shower after this c-section.  Haha.  They were working hard.  And then... my baby cried.  It was perfect and DH stood up to start taking pictures.  And all the comments began about how big she was.  My doctor held her over the screen and said, "I usually do this one handed, but she's a two hander."

They handed her to DH and he said, "She's 10 pounds."  Haha.  We took a "family pic" by my head and I cried.  She was perfect.  I literally felt like my heart was melting into tears.  My life, my heart, my world was officially on the outside of my body, and she was crying and she wasn't blue.  And DH... he was all teary too.  In fact, when he walked out to show her to everyone, all the pictures show his sweet, teary eyes.  I love that he's in love with her too.  (He's told me over and over, with kisses, "You did good, you know it? She's beautiful.")

I was threatening DH from the operating table... "Somebody better tell me how much she weighs before everyone else finds out."  In minutes, one of the nurses was calling the nursery to get the weight.  She said, "Okay. Guesses?"  The spinal guy guessed 8 lbs. 10 oz.  I guessed 8 lbs. 11 oz.  My doctor guessed 9 lbs. 3 oz.  And then the unveiling.  9 lbs. 10 oz.  Wow!  My doctor said, "Hey. Good call on that c-section.  I don't even want to think about all the stitches I'd be doing if you'd tried to have her."

They got me stitched up and taken to recovery, where they brought my little angel to me.  I was seriously more in love than I thought I'd be.  I didn't know it was possible to feel the way I felt when I looked at her.

I'm still amazed at the way I feel.  I knew how much I wanted her, needed her.  I've never needed anything so badly, but I had no way of knowing how in love I would be.  Because I've never been this in love.  I look at her, and I see my life.  I see my future.  I see everything that will ever matter to me.  My life makes sense all with the birth of this little person.

And to end on a lighter note.  I did not throw up on the operating table, but I did throw up that night.  It wasn't horrible.  It wasn't painful.  I took two pain pills during my three night stay, but I really didn't need them.  I was sore but it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected.  And I would've gone home after two nights, but EK lost too much weight the first day so they wanted her to stay another night until she was maintaining or gaining weight, so we did.

Did I say that my life is complete now?  It is.
Life. Is. Good.

Quick Update - First Pediatrician Visit

Those dern nursery nurses! They had me completely freaked out about nothing.

EK had her first visit with the pediatrician (who I freaking love), and she was already at 9 lbs. 12 oz.  So, she was born on Tuesday at 9 lbs 10 oz, was down to 8 lbs. 12 oz. the following day and in less than a week, she gained a full pound.  Good for her!!!! Now let's just hope she doesn't keep gaining at that rate or I'll never be able to feed her all she needs. Haha.

Other than ridiculously painful boobs/nipples, life is good here.

Dr. said stop supplementing.  We'll recheck weight in a week and see how it's looking.

EK is here! Now S.O.S.!!!!

EK arrived on Tuesday at 8:34 a.m.  She was 9 lbs 10 oz and 21 inches of absolute perfect, and when I look at her, I am completely blown away that she is made from part of me.  How on Earth did something that beautiful grow for nine months in my belly?  Then, of course, I have to laugh when I think that she was 21 inches, and I'm only 60 inches.  Haha.

I think everyone was surprised at her size.  My doctor called her a "two hander."  I was so afraid that morning... so afraid that I would throw up on the operating table.  So afraid that the spinal would leave me paralyzed.  And even so afraid that she would come out blue and be rushed away to NICU.  Thankfully, none of those things happened.

I am so madly in love that I wish the whole world would stop so I could just love her... with no other responsibilities.

On the second day of EK's life, I started getting in trouble by the nurses.  I was having such a hard time making her wake up to eat.  I'd tried everything I knew to try, and she just WOULD NOT wake up.  Her sweet Daddy would make her angry and have her screaming... only to hand her to me... get a boob in her mouth and she was out cold again.

I'm still having a hard time with that... Not to mention that my nipples want to commit suicide.  They are SOOOOOO painful!  Sometimes, when she's nursing, I truly think I'm going to vomit from the pain.

Speaking of pain... the c-section?  Overrated.  I am amazed at how little that has bothered me.  I had no trouble getting up and moving afterward.  Granted, there's still that broken rib that is kicking my tail, but the incision... not a big deal.  I think I took pain meds twice in the hospital and none since I've been home.  However, when I took the bandage off... it ripped off some of my skin and THAT, my friends, is painful... far more painful than the incision.

I've had my meltdowns.  For instance when the doctor suggested that they might have to keep EK an extra day if she didn't start maintaining weight.  She was down to 8 lbs. 12 oz. on the second night.  I just boohoo'd.  I felt like a complete and total failure.  She gained 2 oz. that night/next day so they let us go home... with instructions that I supplement with formula.  After every feeding, she's supposed to drink at least an ounce of formula.  The only problem?  If she doesn't stay awake for a boob?  Why would she stay awake to feed on a boob and then a bottle?  The problem wasn't milk supply.  It's there.  It's my sleepy baby.

Yes, I've undressed her.  Yes, I change her diaper before she nurses.  Yes, I tickle her, play with her face, cheeks, chin, etc.  Yes, I've used a cool cloth on her face, forehead, side, etc.  I burp her often.  I sit her up and talk to her.  This child LOVES to sleep.  I'm at a loss.

Bear with me while I decide if I'm sharing pictures.  I am still undecided. 

We're finally buying a bump tonight, and I'm wondering if it'll be easier if I pump an then feed her with a bottle?  That way the control freak in me can KNOW what she is consuming, rather than being uncertain.  The breastfeeding thing is killing me.  Ladies, it is not for the weak.  I so completely respect all of you who do this.  My experience after 5 days.... utter hell.

Please feel free to offer advice, definitely encouragement..... anything you have...

My husband is gone to his daughter's ball practice and EK is asleep so I finally had some "me" time to reach out to all of you.

S.O.S.

Yep. I'm Losing It!

I am suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that I'm going to have too many visitors on EK's birth day.  I suppose that's the downfall to having a planned birth.  (At this moment, I'm thinking it'd be better to go into labor this weekend so it can be "quieter").

I have friends and family who plan to get there before the C-section and leave that night (from out of town).  Then, we'll have a steady stream of people in and out all day.

Rarely has my family ever done anything small.  That is one of the reasons that I chose to get married with immediately family only and have a reception afterwards.  Other examples?  My little brother had a wreck several years ago.  At midnight that night, there were at least 50 people in the emergency room waiting room (that's 30 minutes away from my hometown) waiting to make sure he was okay.  I had a D&C and a uterus suspension in 2003 (at a hospital an hour away from home), I had a steady stream of visitors to the point that I ended up very sick that night, because I didn't follow the "rest" orders.  (I felt like I had to entertain visitors).  My Christmas card list?  At minimum... 175.  Four baby showers, with the largest having a guest list of 200.

Are you getting my drift?  It's never small.

I'm terrified that that's how Tuesday will be.... overwhelming.  And being the Type A person that I am, I am terrified of being out of control, but I also acknowledge that it will be very difficult to be "in control" when I am flat on my back (post spinal tap). 

I am so afraid that I won't have time for just me and EK (and DH).  I told DH that I don't want to feel like I just gave birth... for everyone else to love on her.  Yes, I know how it sounds.... me, me, me.  But I have endured these nine months with one thing on my brain... the day when I could hold her and kiss her face and just love her... outside my body.  He says that I'm putting a lot of this on myself, that I shouldn't feel like I have to entertain people all day, that I'm going to need my rest, that we'll let the nurses take her back to the nursery if it gets to be too much (HELLO... it's not her that will be too much... it'll be all the grownups.  She's the one I want to keep.  Can the nurses take the grown ups?)

Anyway... if you haven't gathered... THIS IS ME FREAKING OUT!
Someone make me feel better.