It's All Coming Up Roses!

I'm not sure that my title adequately reflects what I'm writing about, but that phrase has been in my head this morning for some reason.

So....

IT'S ALL COMING UP ROSES!
Dr. I seems to think that's what kind of perspective I should have anyway.

I left my house at 6:30 yesterday morning to be on time for my 8:45 a.m. doctor's appointment. Yes, to my knowledge there are a couple of reproductive endocrinologists about thirty minutes closer than the one I chose, but I think that you have to choose a specialist based on more than just location. So... a two hour drive it is.

I signed in at 8:43 and I was checking out at 8:55. I LOVE doctor's who don't make you wait. It's wonderful!

Dr. I walked in the room and I immediately said, "I haven't tested at all since I was here on Friday."

Admittedly I've only seen him three times prior to yesterday's appointment, but he understands me well. He said, "Is it killing you?" Haha. How did he know?

He did the ultrasound. If you'll remember, on Friday, I had a 14mm on the right, and a 11mm and a 6mm on the left. Well, by Monday, they had grown and evolved (and apparently one disappeared) into a 21mm on the left and a 20mm on the right. (I'm talking about follicles, if you didn't gather that already).

I expected the one on the right to have grown into a 20mm over the weekend, but WHOA! Did that 11mm seriously turn into a 21mm in just three overnights? Sweet! Especially since this is the first time that we've had any action from the left ovary. I am slightly partial to my left. I'm left-handed. The heart is on the left side (okay, technically, I think it's in closer to the center, but we're taught it's on the left side, right?). Wedding rings go on the left. I sleep on the left side of the bed (well, the left... if you're looking at the bed... If you're laying in the bed, I guess it's the right).

So... I like left. (And I secretly dream of a left-handed child, but I am NOT picky. I will certainly take a right-handed child. ;o)

I digress...

Then came "the talk...."
Dr. I has apparently clued in to the side of me that my closest friends know. I am devastatingly hard on myself. Two fears? Failure and rejection. This whole infertility thing has been the epitome of failure to me. Being a Mom is something that I always thought I would be good at. Why? Because I learned from the best. And now... to be here at this point where I am so unbelievably ready to be a Mom, and I can't. Why? Because my body is NOT cooperating.

Anyway, after playing bad cop during Friday's appointment. It was apparently time for Dr. I to be good cop. He said, "I know you're discouraged. I know you're tired. But you're doing GREAT. In fact, you couldn't be responding any better."

Leave it to me. I had to cut him off there to say, "You mean, unless I was already pregnant."

He continued, "I know you're working hard, but if you had a friend who had just started trying and she was ovulating perfectly, but wasn't pregnant after two months, you wouldn't tell her to give up. You would tell her that she had just started. We've only had two good months. It's just a matter of time."

I love him. I love him because he gets me. He understands how my brain works, and I promise that is no easy feat.

On a happy note, I do not have to have bloodwork this month. He doesn't see any reason to do the progesterone check. He feels absolutely certain that what we're doing is making me ovulate, and there is no need to double check anymore.

Catherine gave me the trigger shot (hCG) and I left with the instruction of calling them with one of two things... "I'm pregnant!" or "I started." And I think at this point, we all prefer the former.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, and hoping the holidays make this two week wait more bearable than any other.

What We Have is a Classic Case of Knowing Too Much!

It would appear that my posting frequency is directly correlated to my mood. Obviously, since I haven't written since December 1 (17 days ago), it would be safe to say that I haven't been jumping over the moon lately.

Good ole' AF came flying in on her broom a whole 18 days after the trigger shot that I had last month. I was having a hard time understanding why there was no AF and all negative pregnancy tests, but I digress... The point is... she came.

Today is Cycle Day 11. Cycle Day 1 is always the day that AF arrives. On that day, I call Dr. I's office and let them know so that I can schedule my mid-cycle ultrasound. No problem. That was scheduled for Dec. 21.

Things rocked along. I started Femara again on cycle day 5 (or CD5 for the sake of simplicity). I take it CD5-9. On day 8, I commented to a friend that I was really cramping and that the medicine must really be working this month. I woke up to spotting on day 9 and excruciating cramps throughout the day. That was my last day of Femara. That night, I took an ovulation test. POSITIVE.

What? You can't ovulate on day 9, especially when you're still taking Femara. I waited until the next morning and tested again. Oh no! It was negative. That meant that I caught the tail end of it, which meant that this month was a bust.

I called Dr. I that morning and explained what was going on. The first thing Catherine (the nurse) told me was that fertility medication can cause false positives. I could still come in on the 21st and have blood drawn to see if I ovulated or I could come in that day. Dr. I wanted me to come in and let him do an ultrasound just to see what was going on.

So, this morning... bright and early, I woke up to make the two hour drive to Dr. I's office. He walked in and I said... "Well, I've hated my body for as long as I can remember, but who knew that the feeling was reciprocated?"

He told me that wasn't a very nice thing to say. Haha. You have to love a positive/optimistic doctor.

He did the ultrasound, and guess what? I did NOT ovulate. Instead, there was a pretty little 14mm follicle growing on the right ovary, and 11mm and 6mm follicles growing on the left side, with lining of 6mm. Which basically means that by Monday (the 21st, and the day of my original appointment), everything will be picture perfect for ovulation.

Then came the lecture.

He told me that I am too hard on myself. To which I responded that on January 9, I will have been trying for 9 months, which means that I could've already had a baby.

Dr. I: Okay, but I'm just getting started. You're being so hard on yourself, and I think that you're responding fantastically. I am very pleased. What we have is a classic case of knowing too much. And the next thing I'm going to tell you is stop testing. It's irrelevant with the monitoring that we're doing.

Me: But what if I ovulate before my mid-cycle appointment?

Dr. I: WHAT IF an airplane falls out of the sky?

Touche'.

Dr. I and his nurse left the room, and I'm going back (on the 2 hour journey) on Monday morning.

Hope you have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I'm simply ecstatic about the holiday time with my little family. I think this just might end up being the easiest two week wait ever. I'll be off work and spending time with the ones I love most. I imagine we'll be too busy for me to go absolutely crazy.

Just as a reminder... Dr. I does things in a "three strikes" type of method. For instance, right now we're on Femara, monitored, with a trigger shot. One cycle down. If this one doesn't work, we'll do one more. If after three, I'm still not pregnant, we move to the next step.

Guess Who's NOT Pregnant?

If you guessed ME, then you guessed right.

Oh... where to begin???

On November 20, I went back to the RE. He did an ultrasound and saw 2 follicles on my right ovary - a 22mm and a 19mm. Rather than wait for my body to produce an LH surge, he didn't want to risk that I might not have one so he gave me an hCG shot.

Here's my understanding in "dummy" terms. LH (or leutenizing hormone) is the hormone associated with ovulation. hCG (or human chorionic gonadotropin) is the hormone associated with pregnancy. On a molecular level, the two hormones look almost identical, but hCG has a beta subunit (or in "dummy" terms... just a little something extra).

So when it comes to ovulation, hCG has everything that LH has and makes your (or my body, in this case) think that it's time to release follicles, thus the reason for the hCG shot.

That also means that if I had gone home that night and taken a pregnancy test, that it would've been positive. I almost did take one... just to prove to myself that it's actually possible to see "Pregnant" on a pregnancy test. I have begun to think that I only buy the negative tests.

I went home from the appointment again on Cloud 9. Dr. I is wonderful. He hugged my neck when he walked out of the room, and he said, "Call me in two weeks and let me know you're pregnant."

Only I'm not pregnant.

I had my bloodwork done yesterday to check my progesterone level, but it seemed pointless, as I already knew that I wasn't pregnant.

Why?

Because my emotions are overly emotional! Ha! And my face looks like a pizza - as in I look like a teenage boy with an acne problem. Okay. Maybe I'm exaggerating that, but the birth control pill kept my skin so smooth that this "breakout" that I experience once every month is not welcome!

I'm still waiting for the progesterone results. The only thing that could make me feel worse right at this moment is to hear that I didn't ovulate at all. Then again, maybe that would make me feel better, as it would explain why I'm not pregnant.

I am one week away from EIGHT MONTHS at this little game. Yesterday, as I sat in the waiting room, I was lost in thought. It now makes total sense to me why people use the expression "trying." That's all you can do. I just try and try and try. I take meds, push past my fear of needles, and continue to long for my little one - never understanding WHY.

There is a part of me that understands why my Mom died. I've often thought that if I were God, if I got to pick who I wanted to come up to heaven to praise me, I'd have picked my Mom even earlier than He did.

But I do NOT understand why God isn't entrusting me with a little one. (I have to stop going down this path for a moment. If I continue with my lack of understanding, tears will begin to flow and I've had enough of those for now.)

In fact, Sunday night, I curled up in my sweet husband's arms and just sobbed, and the only thing I could say to him over and over again is....

"I just don't understand."